Snippitts of Illusions

in response to JayC

mediorcrity is the desease of our nation, right up there with obesity and ignorance. america is becoming a land of fat, ignorant mediocre people, and quite honestly i think there are too many folks that like and want it that way. art is no longer for stimulation, or at least most art. T.V, film, books. most of this stuff has become pure entertainment, we as a culture do not want to be prodded into thinking nor do we want to be made to feel uncomfortable with art.
there are those who do the later, waaaaay to many in fact, and don't succeed in the former. if all an artist can do is shock, with out promotting some thought, then they too have failed.
it's been only a few movies that have blown me away: American Beauty is one of those, the Fellowship of the Ring was another (partly because of the beloved feeling of the book, and the realization that PJ had actually acomplished what he'd set out to do). over the years, not much, certain aspects of a film might have done it, for instance visually Sin City was stunning, i liked the movie quite alot over all, but what blew me away wasn't the acting, nor the plot just the visuals. it's sad when a certain aspect of a movie succeeds, but the rest of it is, as you say, mediocre.
there've not been alot of plays that have done it for me, though a few. mostly older ones i'm just discovering, though a handful of newer ones: Redlight Winter and Bug rank up there. the Pillowman really blew me away, to the point that i'm willing to put my own money forward to help get a production of it going.
as far as i can tell nothing i've written has been really brilliant or savagely beautiful, though i'd like that alot. i keep going though, and despite my better judgement i let folks read it (i know i've stuff to email you). i think you're being hard on yourself. it's cliched, but it's true, you're your own worst critic.
if there are those whose opinions you trust, you should let them read it (and perhaps you do) and let them tell you why it's mediocre, or not mediocre. it's so hard to find individuals who won't blow smoke up your ass, it's true, but if there are those out there who you feel are discerning enough to be accurate critics of yours (or anybodies) work, then those are the individuals you should be seeking out.
i seek those same individuals, desperately at times, i've found only a small handful. i'll take anybody's opinion, but so many people are unwilling to give an honest answer when confronted, and why is that? are they afraid i'll become angry? are they afraid of hurting my feelings? sure, some stuff i may have become to attached too for my own good, a call to reality is in order.
though perhaps you're right, perhaps you are a good judge of your work. i'm sure you can tell (most of us who create can) something that is fair to midling for your and something that is actually good, or maybe brilliant. that does not say however where you stand in comparison with all the other art out there. there are those that say you shouldn't compare yourself. but we all need a gauge, we all need a measuring stick to start out with. otherwise how will we know how we have progressed in relation to ourselves?
we should not, however in my opinion, let our comparisons hinder or hobble us, and perhaps that is where the problem is. too many of us are comparing ourselves with true masters, individuals who've defined things in art, and created whole genres and ways of thinking about art. those people come along once in a thousand years, they are beyond any of us i think. we should be comparing ourselves against the backdrop of the world we create in. scary prospect when one considers how mediocre everything is these days. we should not be willing to settle for mediocrity, and those of us who do not are going to be able raise the bar a little bit for everybody else.
at the same time, i don't think an author should be able to blow themselves away, once that happens the individual gets an ego and an attitude and perhaps loses sight of the work. i think all we can hope for is satisfaction, and most of the time a meager one at that.
keep writing my friend, and more importantly start letting those you trust read.

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 11:27 AM 3 comments

so i'm 30 now. i'd like to tell you it's a little weird, but i don't really see it.
maybe when i hit 31.
i turned 30 two weeks ago, and i reflected on my life during the course of that day, between overwhelming bouts of diarrhea and vomiting, yes i was sick, and i could help think that things haven't really changed all that much:
still a fat guy, i'm ok with who i am, though i do need to lose weight merely for health reasons.
don't think i should let people get to me about my weight, so i don't. i'm not saying it's easy to do, i will say that it is simply being comfortable with who you are with a person.
if somebody can make a snide comment and get me down about myself then i've lost any battle i might try to undertake before i've actually begun.
though, i do recognize, for my own benefit, because i can feel that i really do need to do it, losing some of the adorable me would be beneficial.

i'm still a geek.
i've tried to feel bad about that in the past, and it hasn't worked. the only thing i can muster is perhaps i spend much too much money on these hobbies, and i need to simmer that aspect down.
so i will.
that simple.
some people would accuse me of needing to grow up "you're thirty years old and you still play games?!"
yeah, i do, and?
there is a point of obsession, i suppose i am obsessed, but at the same time, i can carry on a conversation completely outside the realm of gaming.
it's a hobby, one i really enjoy, and like to contribute too.
it's not my only way of life. i'm not going to give it up just because some asshole thinks it's a waste of time and is uncomfortable with the fact that i find myself enjoying it.

still have no direction.
but how many people do?
alot, a little. so many folks start doing one thing and find themselves sucked into another.
i know i like to write, plays mainly.
so i do.
i know i used to enjoy (key component is 'joy') composing music, and i can still feel that lingering inside. i'm sure i will again, probably sooner than later.
i know that i, for some reason, love being on stage. for me the rehearsal process is the funnest, though performance are incredibly rewarding.
i know that i enjoyed playing (not so much performing) music, and i think that given the chance, i could again.
i know that i love to read, and my interests are varied: history, philosophy, science, sociology, psychology not to mention: literary fiction, science fiction, fantasy fiction, and western fiction.
i've more books than i should, and i slowly acquire more and more as time goes on.

i've looked back at my life, and though there are things that i should have done differently, more than i currently care to address; hindsight too is 20/20.
though some days are pure shit, and i do feel the dregs of despair once in a while, i've got a lot of joyful things.
here's a quote to help you remember the joyful things:

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Ricky Fitz-American Beauty

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 3:24 AM 4 comments