Basically I'm floundering right now. I don't know what the hell to do.
What I have figured is I have about two semesters left, if I get on the ball and do it. If I don't I'm screwed. My adivsors retiring within a year or two and I'll probably have to start from scratch. I'm not going to do that. If it turns out that I flounder too long, I'm either going to start anew in a different area of study, or go somewhere else, or both. Alot of you reading this (though not all) are saying to me from a far: 'just finish Frank' well I'd like to. You see it's not that simple, or it is that simple but not really. The only real way for me to finish is to have the motivation and the finaces to finish. I can get the finaces. I can work for it with out a problem, other than exhaustion and the lack of a social life. The motivation for school work is something else. I stopped having it about one and a half years before I stopped going. Motivation is key.
I ran into an old friend of mine coming back in from lunch on Monday. I haven't seen him for quite some time. He's been in town, we just haven't had contact with each other. He's been busy. He's just finished up his Masters. He's read alot about me though, or some. My name's appeared in the paper for a few of the shows I've been in. We talked for a time, now I have he's email address. He told me both good news, and bad. Since Monday he's emailed me. I've responded in kind. Running into him has reminded me of my early years at the University. Back when I wasn't lacklustre and I actually had motivation in what I was doing. I burned myself out, with the aid of a few outside forces. But I remembered on Monday for a short time that I came up here to get on with my life.
I'm trying to remember exactly why. What does that mean get on with your life? For me realistically it would mean moving to Vegas, getting a job and doing theatre, both acting and composing for shows with people I love working with. Yet at this time I'm reluctant. Part of me wants to finish that degree, that's one reason to stay. But not if I'm not actually working towards finishing it. Another part says get a little bit more out of debt. Well said, I can't afford to move right now, but in a year...
I also keep saying that the time isn't right, when it is I'll know. I'm not usually superstitious, but on this I am. Not yet but soon.
I'm 26 years old, when I originally came up here I was 18. I wanted to be a teacher or a composer. I considered myself a composer for a time, I hope to do so again. A teacher I no longer desire to be, I don't think I ever really did. I was just fooling myself. When my family back home asks how much longer it's going to take me to finish, I can tell them: "As long as it takes." I'm not married, don't have kids, and aside from the small amount of debt that I've accrued, have no real finicial obligations. What sort of job will I get after I finish my degree? Probably the same sort of job I'd get if I don't. The satisfaction, well it should be all mine, but if I don't achieve that goal, that slip of paper. I can still get satisfaction from my accomplishments. They're just not legitimate until that slip is hanging on the wall.
posted by F.G. Shaw @ 3:50 AM
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