Snippitts of Illusions

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 4:30 AM 0 comments

I have in the course of my life discovered two artist (well three really, but I'm only talking about two of them tonight) endeavors that I have found a passion for. The first is music. Most of you who know me, know me as a musician and aspiring composer. I'll probably always be aspiring. I've done some things with it, but in all honesty I've lost much of the passion for it that I used to have. Much of this passion was in the area of performance. I never wanted to be a professional performer on my instrument (tuba). I was told once that if I worked at it, then I could be. I think it was to imply that I had enough talent to actually go professional. I didn't work at it. Well I did, just not very hard. I worked enough to suffice. That was all.

Music I have an extensive background and knowledge. Oh I've forgotten some stuff, give me an hour to look through a book or two and it'll all come pouring back to me. I will admit I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to music. But I know enough to do what I really want to do with it, that is write. Compose. Generate new and original work. I know what makes a good piece from a bad piece. I know how to make difficult transitions work, and I know how to take seeminly incompatable themes and weave them together. I've just lost the passion.

I didn't lose it through the knowledge. I've lost it through shear burnout. I worked to hard and too much on this one thing and all of a sudden.... "Pooofff!" It's gone. Well not gone. Smoldering. The fire that was once there has burned down to coals. I've been looking for a way to throw some more fuel on the fire and get it started again. I may have found one. I may not have.

The second artistic endeavour that I have found passion for is theatre: Acting and writing. Now unlike music, I have no real goddamn idea what I'm doing. The first show I was in, thus my break, was three years ago about this time. My director: The Lovely Erica. My fellow cast members: JayC, Davie (not all of you will know him, most probably won't) and Don (I have a feeling that all of us will know Don one day). I had no idea what was going on on that stage. Erica would tell me to do something. I'd do it. I memorized my lines faithfully. And for this first show that was about the extent of it.

I have since learned, of the cuff of my pants, to analyze my character. This is something I learned only about a year ago, and now I do it constantly. I'm thinking of the character all the time: What is the relationship with his wife (if he has one), what's his job like, why would he say this instead of that. What's his history with the other characters in the play. I've gone from do what the director says and memorize your lines to. Learn as much about my character, analyze the shit out of him, analyze the shit out of the other characters relationship with him, do what the director says and memorize my lines. The catch to all this is.... I still don't have any idea what I'm doing.

Well, at least in technical terms. I know there are all sorts of styles and techniques that I'm completely clueless about. Many have told me that's not important, it must not be. But coming from a background in another art form that relishes it's techniques and theories, I can't help but feel the need now and then to take a class or two on theatre. I don't want to do this because I think that it will nesseccarily make me a better actor, but I think it will help me understand the craft a little more and get a better perspective on it as a whole. I've had relatively little experience compared to most of my thespian friends. But I've done more than I ever thought I would.

I've discovered something with these arts though. I love both of them. Even if I've burned out on music (and have been for about three years), the coals are still there, waiting to be fanned. I've also learned that in order to keep things fresh I need to be sparing with how I do the art. I'm trying to do this with theatre... one show at a time (it's easy to find yourself, at least up here in Logan, in more than one show). When I finish one and if I'm feeling the need for a break... then I damn well better take the break. I didn't do that with music, that's one reason I burned out. I do know that in order to keep the semblance of sanity in my life I do need a cathartic outlet. Fortunantly I have writing (this blog for instance) as a low impact catharsis when I'm not involved with music or theatre.

Well. I don't really know what the point of this blog was but, I'd like to say a couple of things to Erica.

1: "I don't know if you noticed this, but some cows have wandered into the shot."
2: I wish I had some of the guns they give you instead of arms.
3: Thanks.

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 4:28 AM 0 comments

I have a friend who says she doesn't read my blog (I guess it's not as exciting as I thought it was) so tonight I'm going to talk about her. I'm not going to tell you her name, she knows it. She has one she goes by, actually several. Some of you may know her, others won't, that's not the point. IF she reads this, then she'll know who I'm referring to. All the rest of you need to know is what I will tell you.

I've always like the fall. Why? Because it's not as hot as summer, it's not as cold as winter, and I personally think, that it's prettier than spring. There was a paticular fall, it was about four years ago, and it was the fall that I trully got to know one of my best friends. That's right, the lovely woman who doesn't read my blog. It was a great fall, we bonded her and I over late night conversations outside in the bitter cold. Niether of us are stupid, but apparently we weren't too bright at the time.

This was the year her sister was away at grad school. She'd go to a computer lab on campus and talk to her, as would i. See I knew her orignally through her sister. The computer lab was the only lab that stayed open past midnight, so we could stay on the computer an hour longer.

After the lab closed we ended up in conversation. We spoke about many things, I think both of our views have changed since then. It's been four years. Actually I know we've changed, quite alot. She's not innocent anymore about the world, and I'm even more cynical now than I was then. (I like my cynicism, it's the pure greek form of denial, not this modern trendy shit). The changes we've gone through over the last four years have in a way made us completely different people. Yet we remain friends. I'll stand by her side and support her on her life's desicions, and I think she'd do the same for me.

That fall was great. I loved it. I loved standing out in the cold october air at two in the morning shaking my ass off from the frigidness of it. I loved the laughter, and I love the tears. Well, I'd like to think that I made a friend who I can call up twenty years from now and speak too. I'd like to think that.

I certainly hope she does too.

And if you're reading this ________.

Thanks.

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 1:43 AM 0 comments