Snippitts of Illusions

so i'm 30 now. i'd like to tell you it's a little weird, but i don't really see it.
maybe when i hit 31.
i turned 30 two weeks ago, and i reflected on my life during the course of that day, between overwhelming bouts of diarrhea and vomiting, yes i was sick, and i could help think that things haven't really changed all that much:
still a fat guy, i'm ok with who i am, though i do need to lose weight merely for health reasons.
don't think i should let people get to me about my weight, so i don't. i'm not saying it's easy to do, i will say that it is simply being comfortable with who you are with a person.
if somebody can make a snide comment and get me down about myself then i've lost any battle i might try to undertake before i've actually begun.
though, i do recognize, for my own benefit, because i can feel that i really do need to do it, losing some of the adorable me would be beneficial.

i'm still a geek.
i've tried to feel bad about that in the past, and it hasn't worked. the only thing i can muster is perhaps i spend much too much money on these hobbies, and i need to simmer that aspect down.
so i will.
that simple.
some people would accuse me of needing to grow up "you're thirty years old and you still play games?!"
yeah, i do, and?
there is a point of obsession, i suppose i am obsessed, but at the same time, i can carry on a conversation completely outside the realm of gaming.
it's a hobby, one i really enjoy, and like to contribute too.
it's not my only way of life. i'm not going to give it up just because some asshole thinks it's a waste of time and is uncomfortable with the fact that i find myself enjoying it.

still have no direction.
but how many people do?
alot, a little. so many folks start doing one thing and find themselves sucked into another.
i know i like to write, plays mainly.
so i do.
i know i used to enjoy (key component is 'joy') composing music, and i can still feel that lingering inside. i'm sure i will again, probably sooner than later.
i know that i, for some reason, love being on stage. for me the rehearsal process is the funnest, though performance are incredibly rewarding.
i know that i enjoyed playing (not so much performing) music, and i think that given the chance, i could again.
i know that i love to read, and my interests are varied: history, philosophy, science, sociology, psychology not to mention: literary fiction, science fiction, fantasy fiction, and western fiction.
i've more books than i should, and i slowly acquire more and more as time goes on.

i've looked back at my life, and though there are things that i should have done differently, more than i currently care to address; hindsight too is 20/20.
though some days are pure shit, and i do feel the dregs of despair once in a while, i've got a lot of joyful things.
here's a quote to help you remember the joyful things:

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Ricky Fitz-American Beauty

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 3:24 AM