I've never been overly ambitious.
I've never had to be.
Things came easy for me; musically.
Then I met a challenge, a real genuine challenge, and I was drained.
Emotionally and creatively.
And overall I failed.
The drive was no longer there.
I thought I could get it back by tackling another, perhaps even bigger challenge.
I succeeded at that one, but at a cost.
I was sucked dry... bone dry of any musically creative processes that I might have had however.
It didn't revitalize me as I had hoped, and even though I owe a great debt to a friend, who no longer seems to care, it was all for naught.
This is a theme I keep coming back too, time and again.
Perhaps this is the composer's version of writer's block.
Part of me wants to just walk away.
The juices have been drained, I'm nothing but a dried husk; why not?
Over and over I wave between leaving and trying, again, to come back.
I've done little things: I got involved with a renaisance ensemble, which my involvement with now is next to nothing, things were going good for a short time... but it didn't last.
I've made empty, hollow offers of compositions to people, that hasn't panned out.
I've started playing with the community band, that is still happening, though somewhat sporadically, I hope I can maintain it.
Everything I've been doing has been in an effort to rekindle that spark, that ease I had before, and overall it's been unsuccessful.
Why?
I can't just walk away.
Not just yet.
Perhaps I just haven't found it yet... that spark... that tiny ember of inspiration...
I still compose, impromptu, in my head.
I dunno...
I just don't know.
posted by F.G. Shaw @ 11:28 AM
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