It's not something that I honestly think about a lot, but it's there in the back of my head/heart/mind/chest nagging at me.
Music is too, and I miss it, but there's hope for music. I loved to compose and I'm seeing myself becoming interested again in listening. It comes in spurts, but it's there. I think theater had replaced it.
It's been six years since I've done a large production (something with more than one performance). In that same period of time that I was away with music my sense of loss was not acute In fact it was more of a regret. With theater it's different.
I don't think about it much, or at least try not too. It's hard not to have it come up with some frequency. Many of my friends on Facebook are actively involved in theater in one way or another and I get some murmurs from that source. Having friends continually doing plays makes feel like I should see them, not simply because my friends are in the plays, but because the plays themselves might be worth seeing.
I don't want to sit in an audience and that go type up a report of what I've seen though. Reviews are fun, and I've done a few, but they do not replace the experience of being on the stage.
I was made aware of just how much I missed theater when chatting with a friend of mine online the other night. He's got a great opportunity to go do a play-writing work shop back east. I hope he takes it. I hope he's able. It's honestly something I too should make an effort to do as well. The money isn't as problematic for me to come up with as it would have been -say- three years ago. While chatting there was a sudden acute pain. Not a physical pain. The pain you get when you realize that somethings missing in your life and you know what it is. That pain that sits somewhere in the back of your chest and chokes you, makes you dizzy. That's the pain I felt.
I nearly wept.
It's not easy to explain to people who are not involved in the performing arts. Not to have that outlet. I love/loved being on stage. Being in character. Being in a room full of people but the only other persons that really mattered in that moment were myself and whoever was on stage with me. There's a... innate sense of the audience, and what to do for them. But if the audience is receptive, then they're observers that lend their energy too. There's something magical. I miss that.
I never truly enjoyed performing music for people. There was a bit of the thrill and the rush, but the connection felt empty and at the end of the day I got the same satisfaction (or even more satisfaction) out of a really good rehearsal in music then I did out of a performance.
Not so with theater. Even a great rehearsal pales in comparison to a really great performance. That click and connection: with the audience, your actors, your tech people. It's wonderful.
There's nothing more exciting than starting a new show. There's nothing more depressing then closing one.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. But I need to do something.
It's time to find and set some goals.
Labels: Personal
posted by F.G. Shaw @ 11:56 PM
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