Snippitts of Illusions

The Stuff

The 80's was an interesting time for horror movies. And by interesting I mean, of course, ridiculously cheesy. Now of course cheesy horror movies are still being made today, mostly in a niche market. The 80's is where the cheese when mainstream. Even stuff that was intended to be more serious didn't quite "stick." It's strange to me that a lot of the horror of the 70's (ok, maybe I'm being a bit hyperbolic with the term "a lot") is still somewhat shocking and creepy.  While the 80's. Not so much. Sure the movies are a lot of fun to watch, but honestly they don't hold up well anymore. It's usually effects or cinematography that is the culprit. There isn't a high expectation for acting, script or even direction in a horror movies, but horror movie directors can at least be pretty inventive with camera work and effects. Especially these days.

The Stuff is an 80's horror film that doesn't let down expectations as to it's mediocrity. Let's start with the plot. Shall we?

An old miner finds some white stuff bubbling out of the ground. Of course he does the only logical thing a person could do in this situation and tastes it. It tastes pretty good. He shares it with a friend. Fast forward to an indeterminate time in the future. "The Stuff" is being market as a calorie free, fat free, sweet desert that is good for you. A young boy named Jason (Scott Bloom) goes downstairs for a snack late one night, and sees that "The Stuff" can move on it's own. His father gives him a good smack on the ass, then eats some of "The Stuff." Now we're on a boat. A gathering of ice-cream and snack food executives have gathered, they've hired David "Mo" Rutherford (Michael Moriarty) to find out who makes "The Stuff" and what's in it. He does a little investigating. Finds out that the FDA just straight up approved that shit without actually knowing what's in it when he goes to an FDA board members house who goes by the name of Vickers. Vicker's loves "The Stuff" and doesn't see the problem with it, in fact he even feeds it to his dog, which it turns out is apparently possessed by "The Stuff". Rutherford also tries to seduce the woman Nicole (Andrea Marcovicci) who's been hired to do the advertising for "The Stuff" as well. She also doesn't have a last name. Only important female character in the entire movie and the only major character to not have a last name. Hmmm...

 Now cut to Jason going ape-shit crazy in a grocery store. A grocery store that has "The Stuff" in the dairy section, the frozen food section, in large displays down the aisles. Jason knocks it all down and tries to destroy as much as he can until he's apprehended by four employees and arrested by the cops. Now we cut back to Rutherford who is now investigating a small town that is listed as the location for the business that makes "The Stuff" here he hooks up with Chocolate Chip Charlie (Garret Morris) and the two get chased by hooligans, escape in a boat and then inexplicably show up in a diner. It was about this point I fell asleep for about 20 minutes.

Yeah. That's right. This movie is not just rife with bad dialogue, mediocre acting, terrible editing  and horrible effects. IT'S FUCKING BORING TOO! There's nothing worse than a boring horror movie. The movie itself was only an hour and 20 minutes. It's a horrible mess naratively as is until about the last- No. No. It's just a horrible mess. It really is. When I did come too Rutherford and Nicole were at a hotel. I'm not sure if they actually got jiggy with it, but they did have an attempted assassination attempt on their lives. One of "The Stuff's" henchmen tries to kill them. Jostling the bed he and sets off a trap of "The Stuff" and is drowned in the sweet goop. Now the stuff, for the most part looks a lot like marshmellow cream. I will admit it does look tasty, but I digress

Rutherford and Nicole then go to a quarry where "The Stuff" is being siphoned from the ground and blow it up. They then rescue Jason from inside a tanker truck (he was apparently kidnapped, I completely missed that part) and go to a crazy ex-military commanders hide out by the name of Colonel Malcolm Grommet Spears. Colonel Spears helps this rag tag team of would be heroes take down more of the operation and then broadcasts a warning to America about "The Stuff". Of course Americans heed his words and all is right in the world. Rutherford and Jason go to one of the executives who are in charge of "The Stuff" and force them to eat a box full as punishment. "The Stuff" it seems is alive, and capable of turning people into zombies.  But of course, we see at the very end "The Stuff" is being sold on the black market. DUM DUM DUM.

One of my biggest pet peeves in a movie is when the writers go out of their way to put the title of the movie in it as many times as they can. Now it doesn't bother me when the title shows up in one phrase or a sight-gag, but when it's repeated over and over and over and over and over again. It really pisses me off. The Stuff is one of the worst culprits of this phenomena I've ever encountered.

But really, what can be said about this film? Well, I'll tell you. Not much. Sure it's supposed to be a commentary on consumerism. It fails at that. Not because the message isn't there, it is, but that's all that's there "Consumerism is bad" that's it. It also fails because as a movie it's just pretty bad. Don't get me wrong it's not Troll 2 levels of horrible. There are some pretty decent actors in the movie, but none of them can save the script, poor direction, cheesy lame effects or shitty editing. Not to mention that fact that the movie itself is boring. I never fall asleep during a horror movie, even ones that are supposed to be campy and comedic like this one tries to be. That should tell you how boring this film is. The idea is, well not intriguing, it's a theme that directors have been going to for quite a while now, that consumerism is bad, but it is one that can be made to work well, but never goes beyond that initial premise. This is no different, and if you want to see a movie with a similar message watch They Live. At least it has a couple of iconic one-liners in it and is just a funner film altogether.

The thing that pisses me off the most about this movie is the fact it has a 65% on Rotten Tomatoes. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! That right there makes me lose a little faith in humanity. That's the critic score. The users are a little more reasonable with a 45% rating.

Yes. I can't recommend this film. Not even to horror fans. It's poorly made and boring to boot. If it was just poorly made it would fall nicely into the majority of horror films, but the fact that it is also boring is unforgivable.

1 out of 5 Beards.

Labels: Movie Reviews

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 10:00 PM