Snippitts of Illusions

Attack of the Clones: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and this Movies Sucks.

*Sigh*

Attack of the Clones

*Sigh*

For all of its flaws, The Phantom Menance manages not to piss me off. I'm not sure why, but it doesn’t.
The same cannot be said about this cluster fuck of a film.
Very briefly the plot: There are several star systems leaving the Republic because it's become too corrupt. The leader Count Dooku is a former Jedi, and is pandering to other star systems to leave as well. The Jedi are really just diplomats and ombudsmen with laser swords and can't do much against the armies of the Separatists. So Padme, now a senator, is going before the senate to propose the formation of an army. [We get all of that in the opening scrawl]. After a failed assassination attempt on Padme the Jedi Council sends Obi-Wan-Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker to guard her. Another assassination attempt is thwarted by the Jedi who chase the culprit through the city and capture her only to have her killed by her employer. Padme and Anakin are sent back to Naboo, leaving representative Jar-Jar Binks to represent the planet in the senate.
Meanwhile Obi-Wan traces down the mysterious dart to a planet called Kamino which has been deleted from the Jedi archives. After a bunch of kindergartners explain to him the obvious he leaves for Kamino where there he's told his army of clones is ready. He also discovers a bounty hunter named Jango Fett who was used as the model and is possibly the employer of the bounty hunter who tried to kill Padme. Jango flees the planet and is chased by Obi-wan. He follows him to the planet Geonosis.
On Geonosis Obi-Wan discovers that several factions in the galaxy are planning on supporting the Separatists and relays the message to Anakin who is now on Tatooine with Padme (Seems he had some nightmares and had to go find his mommy.) Back on Corucsant Jar-Jar proposes to give Chancellor Palpatine emergency powers and Palpatine agrees to form an army, which has been conveniently built on Kamino. The Jedi council gets Obi-Wan's message the same time Anakin and Padme do and they all go to rescue him, but for Yoda, who goes to get the army. Anakin and Padme get to Geonosis first and are captured and are going to be executed in an arena with the also captured Obi-Wan. The Jedi show up to rescue all three of them, but are over powered by droids and bug people. Then the cavalry shows up.
Count Dooku goes to flees but is chased by Anakin, Obi-Wan and Yoda. After a couple of fight scenes Dooku does manage to get away and flies back to Coruscant to confer with his master Darth Sidious. All is going to plan. The Republic now has an army. The Clone Wars has begun.

Wow! That was not brief, and I'm almost certain I left something crucial to the plot out. I know I left out stuff that isn't crucial or just plain boring. But wow!

I like the idea of the plot. I like the whole idea of Palpatine coming into power. It's going on during these films but is never completely the focus. Oh, we get bits and pieces to be sure, but it's not the main action for the movies. Instead we get Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padme, and a whole lot of bullshit.

First problem: Anakin! I could forgive Jake Lloyd. He was completely inexperienced, had to be coached, and is just a kid. No, there's not a lot of talent there, but he could have been a lot better had he had a better director. I can't forgive Hayden Christiansen. He's just a bad actor. Now granted, though it wasn't his first role on screen I think it may have been his first major role. The fact that George directed didn't help things neither does the script, but I'll get to that in a moment. He plays the character one note: creepy. There's no chemistry between him and Obi-Wan, or Padme for that matter. After watching the deleted scenes, I think his best scene was cut, and it's just him talking to Padme's father. It's not good, but when you've got a pile of shit, finding a rock is a reward.

Second Problem: Script! The dialogue sucks. It's not bad, it sucks. There's very few characters that come across as believable and lines that are supposed be endearing aren't. They're not written that way, and when coming out of the mouths of horrible actors, aren't delivered that way. The plot is a mangled mess, and honestly this is where the prequels should have started. There's two movies worth of plot here, just crammed into one film. I could go on about ways to improve this, and the next film, but I won't. I may someday, but not today. The honest truth is, I still find it intriguing. Brilliant even, the jockeying for power that Palpatine does. He uses everybody, and nobody knows he's doing it until after the fact. Sadly this film, as with all the prequels, is executed so poorly that you have to sort of wade through the muck to see all of that.

I think my biggest gripe with the script is that it doesn't let the actions of the characters dictate their relationships. It tells, it doesn't show. We get, what I assume is supposed to be, witty banter between Obi-Wan and Anakin, but it feels forced. It's not just the bad acting and direction that's causing that. It's the fact the lines don't read like something two people who've spent every waking day for the last 10 years together would actually say to each other. Then a character will take an action and the other character will quip about how they're always doing something like that. Its bullshit sloppy writing and most people know it.

Then there's the love story. Fuck is it boring! I mean I fell asleep tonight during a majority of the scenes on Naboo. There's just nothing believable there. Yeah, the actors don't sell it, but what do they have to work with? Not much. This also goes back to Hayden Christiansen being a bad actor however, and I honestly don't think Natalie Portman was into it... of course Anakin came over as pretty damned creepy so I don't think I would be either.

My final gripe, yeah, I'm bitching a lot with this review is the action sequences. The speeder chase? Too long. The factory scene? I HATE! HATE! HATE! That scene. Oh how I hate it? I hate it so much I could spit. You could cut that scene out and not have it affect the film in a negative way at all. It feels like I'm watching somebody play a video game honestly, and I wonder if the film makers thought to themselves "This would make a pretty sweet level in a game."

I thought The Phantom Menace was a mess of a film, but overall worth watching. I'm not sure I can give the same vote of confidence to this one. It has gorgeous vistas and eye candy, there's a plot there that's actually intriguing when taken out of the film and looked at on its own. But the dialogue is arguably worse. There's no chemistry between any of the actors (except for maybe Samuel L. Jackson and Frank Oz) and the acting itself is one note and uninteresting. It has its moments. The last 15 minutes is actually pretty cool, as is the excursion to Kamino. But cut out a majority of the love story, the ridiculous action sequences and you'd have a movie that was an hour and a half that actually focused on what mattered: The rise of Palpatine and the fall of the Jedi. I think the biggest mistake George made with these films was making Anakin such an impossibly heroic figure. "The Chosen One." Why? Why can't he just be a talented Jedi Knight. Lucas never explains how the Force is out of balance, or why. We get hand waving about the dark side being stronger, but honestly how exactly is the force out of balance? When did this happen? Who caused it? We have volumes of expanded Universe we could go to for answers to those questions, but I'd like George to answer it, and you know what? He never does.

Stay tuned for Revenge of the Sith!

Labels: Movie Reviews, StarWars

posted by F.G. Shaw @ 12:19 AM