Eulogy for my sister, Debbie Stanton.
Deborah Joe Stanton was not rich. She did not have a lot of stuff. She wasn’t a figure in the community, nor was she famous. She struggled with mental health issues most of her life and physical health issues later in life. But despite all of that, she had something that is not always freely given and is not always deserved: Love. She loved everybody, even those that she didn’t like. She had a warmth and kindness that few people do.
She loved her parents, who preceded her in death. She loved all her siblings, and when they married, their spouses. She loved her nieces and nephews and when they grew up and married and had kids; she loved them as too. Most of all loved her children. She took great joy in them, in their interests, in their passions, in their wins, and their losses. She was protective, sometimes more than she should be. But it was always well-intentioned. She loved her babies, and that’s what they were to her; her babies.
But honestly, we were all her babies. She helped raise many of us. Aunt Debbie, Debbie, Dee-Bra! Grandma Debbie. So many of us grew up with her watching over us. Making sure we happy and safe. Being sad when we fought with each other or were mean. She had nieces and nephews at her house all the time, and she was happy to let them stay. When her siblings, or friends, needed to get away for the afternoon, or the evening, or the weekend, she was there at her door and her arms open wide. She’d make sure you were full, comfortable, and safe. That’s who and what Debbie was.
Almost all of us have memories of staying at Debbie’s house. That stayed true even as we all grew up and had kids of our own. We knew we could count on her because she loved us, and she loved our children, and like when we were young she wanted us to be warm, content, happy and loved.
Love that is so freely and sincerely given has become rare. Debbie never seemed to run out. She had so much of it she seemed to burst sometimes. When you find somebody who has so much love and gives it out so freely, it never seems like it will run out.
But that isn’t true. It does run out eventually. And when it does, you realize just how much love that person gave. Debbie gave a lot. More than almost everybody I know. Now that she’s gone we can all feel that gap in our hearts that was filled with her love. It makes us gasp for its absence. But breathe deep and remember her and the times you had talked to her, playing at her house, spending time with her and you’ll feel it again. And you’ll smile because the love is still there.
Labels: Debbie, Family, Life, Personal, the basin, updates
This is it.
So this is it?
This is what all those dreams and aspirations have led me to. Fat, morose, jaded. Working a job I can only tolerate, making not quite enough money to get by and living with a woman I hate as much as I love.
This is it.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. But I'm not sure I ever really knew what I wanted out of life. It's like that equation X then ? = profit. I started out with a big X. I was going to be a composer. I lost my way. I've talked about it before. It's lame. It's my own fault. The thing is, even if I hadn't lost my passion and my drive and my direction, there's still that "?". What the hell was it supposed to be?
I honestly don't know.
Was it success? Maybe? Though I think that would be "profit". I don't know what it was.
I'd never imagined myself married. Not really. Not like my peers. Not like all of the people around me that I interact daily with. I don't grok it like I should. I understand the idea of committing yourself to somebody, but other than crushes, infatuation and some lust, the women I've been in relationships with have been sort of accidental on my part. And even when I have strong feelings for them, there's never a desire for marriage.
Kids? Yes and no. I don't want kids really. But part of me is sad that it's never likely to happen now. I suppose it's the faint desire to see my genes pass on to another generation. I'm not likely to be remembered once I'm gone. So having some kids, and grandkids to tell stories about me after the fact would be one way to be remembered.
It's not to be. She can't have children. And honestly, we're not mentally prepared for them, for different reasons. She's able to fawn over the nieces and nephews, which is quickly making her their favorite aunt. So it works out.
So I don't know. I don't know what I expected. Once I walked away from music, really that was it. Even dabbling in theater for a while was just hanging out to that which I was no longer able to give my all to.
I guess I have the podcasting.
If only I were better at it.
Labels: Life
10 Years
It's been 10 years.
It's been 10 years since I left Logan to come back to Roosevelt, and my, have things changed. Many... not for the better. Some... are pretty good.
When I left Logan the plan was to get out of debt, and then move to... well ostensibly Salt Lake City, but some place not the Uintah Basin.
When I first arrived the job I had hoped for fell through.
The first job I got, sucked. It was full of tweekers, and the hours were not good.
The job I ended up with was a good job. Stocking shelves at a grocery store. Good steady work, and I was given some responsibility by the end. But any physical ailment put me out for days or weeks at time there. After that happened a couple of different times over the course of the three years I worked there, I bit the bullet and found an office job.
The office job was for an oil company doing data entry, verifying sales tickets, and a few random tasks that fell to us in that department. It lasted 3 years, almost to the day I started it (just over actually) before I was laid off. The company still exists, and is doing alright but only has about a 10th of the employees it did when I got hired on.
I'm back to the grocery store. My official title is "Online Manager" but really I'm a delivery boy. I fulfill the orders and maintain customer satisfaction for the stores online shopping program. It's my principle duty. It's one I'm good at, keeping the customers happy. But it tends to be a pretty draining job. Which has negative effects on all of the other duties I have at the store. I'm not looking for other work. If I could convince them to work me four 10 hour shifts instead of 5 eights, then it would be perfect. Well, not perfect, but better. But that's not likely. If something comes along that's better, I will take it.
I've had a surgery on a hernia since I've been back.
I've recovered, it was seven years ago.
I'm still fat. Well, fatter. Fortunately the job keeps me a tiny bit active. If only I could change my eating habits in a meaningful way. I'd lose weight. I did at one point about a year ago. Then I abandoned it, and have put it all back on, plus a little extra. Losing weight would be beneficial, not just for my health, but for getting in and out of my tiny little car.
I have had probably the best dog I'll ever own since I've been back. A black lab puppy that I only had for six months. It's none of the dogs I currently have. Don't tell them. I do love them.
I've also had the second best dog, and one of the sweetest dogs I'll likely ever own since I've been back. She's sleeping on the floor in front of me.
My mother passed away.
That's some shit.
It'll be five years this November. It's one of the reasons I haven't moved.
Her passing has pretty much anchored me here. She'd already given me the house: Twenty years ago she added my name to the deed. I always thought she'd live till she was at least eighty. Maybe ninety. She barely made it passed seventy. It's hard to believe of the 10 years I've been back in the Uintah Basin she's been gone for half of it.
So on that note... I have a house. I don't have the money it takes to maintain a house. But I have it. And it needs a lot of work. Work I can't afford really to have done. It's something I guess, that needs addressed. And soon.
I've got a lady. I've had lady's before. One of which I'm still quite fond of. But this lady has been with me five years. We have fun. Some of the same interests. Though I think she feigns it sometimes. She's still here. I'm not sure why. I'm not mean, or abusive. But I'm neglectful, and that surely has to wear a person.
I've got a podcast. Something that Tom and I played with the idea of back in like 2004, I now do it some what regularly. It's not "successful". I'm not sure it ever will be. I think i'm lacking something fundamental from it really taking off, and I wish I knew what it was. Drive? Maybe. Energy? Perhaps. Passion? Entirely feasible. I have, and John and I have, and John has, other projects that we want to do. It's a matter of doing them. Maybe we'll find what's missing. Maybe we'll do this another three years and then give up. Maybe.....
So it's been 10 years.
I've lost two of the guys I gamed with, was good friends with. One in 2011, the other last year in 2017. Another I'm estranged from politically. But it's 2018, that's normal. It's not easy being liberal in the Basin, but it's getting harder and harder as the days and weeks go by. It's been 10 years, and I don't see an end in sight. I'm almost where I was emotionally/mentally in Logan when I left. But this time there's not a light at the end of the tunnel. It turns out the light last time was just a train.
Labels: Life, the basin
Well I didn't work last night at the old Gossner's. I'm glad. I need the cash flow but it always feels nice not to have to go into work. Things always seem surreal to me when I'm at work at night. If I'm just awake not doing anything my reality is fairly grounded. There are certain instances though while working graveyards, especially more than one day in a row where I'm not sure what's real and what isn't. I'm never particularly exhausted or tired at these moments. Yet I don't seem to have a grasp on reality. It's been this way with graver yard shifts as long as I can remember, I don't know why. Right now I know it's Tuesday, the eighth of July. I know that I now have 23 days before I have to be out of my apartment and I know that I spent the evening beating up with two good friends of mine on the Game Cube that one of them owns. Had I worked: I wouldn't know the day of the week, and I wouldn't be sure of the reality of my situation. Ask me why that is. I think it has to do with the monotony of the job itself. Hour after hour, doing the same thing until your mind shuts down. When it comes back on you're not sure if you dreamed the last eight hours or not. Ah such is life.
I'm doing auto books at the book store now ( I think I may have mentioned this). Not particularly interested in cars, but there is something fasinating about all the mechanics of it. I don't know why. I hate fixing the damn things, but I love looking at diagrams on how they work. It's cool. Well more later, or less... I'm never quite certain.
Labels: bookstore, Life
Well I left the book store early today because another employee came in. Yeah. I should have stayed and worked a couple of more hours, but I wanted to relax, I've gone into the bookstore everyday this week, and while it's not bad, it's nice not to have to be there sometimes. I've begun working at Gossner's in earnest. I'm only working a few days a week. I don't want to be employeed full time again because I don't know how long I'm going to be able to stay there (only a few months I imagine). It was, well... disgusting last night. I dumped rotten milk, stuff that I wouldn't feed to pigs, though it is headed directly for a pig farm to 'fatten up the little sholts'. Some of you are saying: "Oh, yuck!" and that would be an accurate discription of this stuff. I don't enjoy it that's for sure, but I don't completely hate it. The work it's self isn't incredibly hard (not like stacking pallets) and the opportunity for conversation is ample, though not all the folk there are conversant. I also start, on Monday, opening the store everyday. That should be fun. I'll spend the first two hours by myself calling people about books and such. This will only last a month I think, then I'll be back to my usual time to come in.
By the way if you haven't noticed, I haven't yet got the link in on the Fourth of July post... I'll work on it... and I'll try to put one in on the Constitution too. My comment link is fixed however (it wasn't working yesterday) so feel free to post once again.
Labels: Life
So here I am. Not working at Gossner's tonight, I did however work there last night. It's a wee more physical than the book store, but I knew that. At the bookstore I've been moved away from religion. Gene, my employer, feels that I was not dividing the books into finite enough of categories. He has very specific ideas about what should go on in the religion, though I do not completely agree with how finite he wants to make the categories, I can do nothing but say yes sir. I am cautious when sorting books, I lean towards the philosophy that to much organization can lead to chaos, just as to little is chaos. It can be summed up in a quote from Frank Herberts "The Dosadi Experiment": "The more control, the more that requires control. This is the road to chaos." Some of you are saying: 'how does this apply to books and sections of books?' The problem lies in maintaining the sections themselves. The more finite the sections are, the more difficult it will be to maintain the sections after customers have come into the store browsing through them. The more difficult it will be to judge what section a book that has much in common with other sections would go into. And the more difficult it will be to keep related sections from blending into each other. There is a need for distinct categories, but the categories must first make sense apart from related categories and must be easily maintainable as distinct categories.
Labels: bookstore, Life, musings
So here I am. I was going to work at Gossner's tonight, I went out there and got sent home. Thus the trials of working through a temp service begin. I can only keep trying at it I suppose. The rest of the evening will consist of writing, playing games and bass guitar (I play with out an amp at night), and your basic vegetating.
Labels: Life
Hey everyone just a little post for you to read. ( I don't honestly know if any of you are checking this, so I'll pretend that you are). The day's not over yet, been home from work about an hour and a half and thought I'd throw some stuff down before I forget. Work was seemingly uneventful. Every now and then I'll find a surprise, you know a first edition John Stienbeck or something like that. Well today I found one, a book written in french entitled "Erotique du Japon" or "Japanese Erotica". I laughed, flipped through it. The book itself is fairly high quality, good paper and binding, larger book. The content was, well, let's just say it's interesting and not for everyone, I've come across a few books like this at my time at the store. Gene's remedy is not what one would expect most of the time from him. No, he say's put it on the internet and sale it there. I think there is a small market for material of this nature in Logan, but most people who would buy it (this isn't really a trashy book) wouldn't be coming into our store. So it's still sitting on the shelf, mostly because I don't know where to put it.
On another note, I saw a car accident on the way home from work. Actually happened right in front of me about sixty yards. A car turning left was hit by (not what you think) a car running a red light coming through the intersection. It was very strange. Just sort of popped out of nowhere and ran into that other car. Very disturbing.
Well I'm going to call my friend Tom now. We're hopefully going to go see The 28th Day.
Labels: bookstore, Life, Movies with Tom
Well nothing particullarly fanciful today. I'm working on art at work. I have a hard time resisting popping one of those art books open from time to time and taking a peak. It's understandable when it's Da Vinci or Renior, but I'm interested in the obscure artists that I've never heard of. Speaking of which, I found an art magazine that was published about ten years ago that featured my Uncle A.D. on the cover and ran a little story about him inside of it. I've seen the magazine before of course, my mother has a copy, but it was entertaining to see it in a place not so close to the family. I showed everyone who was there at the time. They were, well I think some of them were impressed, others just indifferent. Well soon to bed, I have to open the store in the morning.
Labels: bookstore, Life
Well everyone. I've finally broken down and done something that I should have done about four months ago. I'm going back to Gossners, yes with a little extra money I can save up and hopefully go back to school in the spring. How long am I going to work? Only as long as I have to, that's a promise. I only hope that I have learned from my mistakes (I think I have). I do have some good news though. In my off time, when I'm not packing or looking for a new place to live, I will be working a piece of music for a Clarinet Trio. Hopefully that will keep my artistic juices flowing enough that I won't go completely crazy.
Labels: Life, updates
